DON’T SAY GAY - Story time

Feb 22

Before I get into this story, I’ll give you a background on why this post is even necessary.

On February 17th, a Florida committee advanced a bill (the “Parental Rights In Education” bill, now being called the “Don’t Say Gay” bill) that would restrict discussions about sexual orientation and gender identity in schools. If passed, it would ban these types of discussions entirely from primary schools, and seriously restrict them in other grades if deemed “age-inappropriate” - with no guidelines as to what determines what makes it age appropriate.

This would make it impossible for teachers to address issues or express support for their LGBTQ+ students.

The bill would also require school personnel to inform parents of any changes to a students physical, mental, or emotional health. Which means that this would significantly limit teachers and counselors from being a confidential resource for students - ESPECIALLY for LGBTQ+ students who may not have a support system at home or cannot safely have discussions about sexual orientation/gender identity at home.

Recently, an amendment for that bill was introduced that would REQUIRE schools to inform parents within six weeks if they learn a student is any sexual orientation other than straight.

In other words, schools would be required to forcibly out their students.

It was just announced yesterday that the above amendment has been withdrawn, but the fact that it was allowed to be introduced at all (and was actually considered for over a week before being withdrawn) is outrageous.

I won’t go into more of the details because you can look up the bill on your own (I’ll include a few links at the bottom of this post as well as a petition to sign) but I do want to share a story with you all about WHY this issue bothers me and why I think, as coaches and mentors in the athletic space, we have a responsibility to say something.

As most of you know, I grew up in Miami. I was 14 years old when I came out to my family - not long before what happens in this story.

In my freshman year of high school, I was given a 4 day suspension for kissing my girlfriend in the school bathroom.

A few details for context - this was the middle of a class block and both of us asked to go to the bathroom at the same time (in our respective classes) and had pre-decided which bathroom we’d meet at. We did this because we figured it’d be the least busy in the halls and no one would say anything to us. We met up in the empty bathroom, made sure no one was in any of the stalls and then I kissed her by the sink.

About 2 seconds before our kiss ended, another student walked in and was audibly disturbed. You’d think she had just caught us without clothes on - looking back on it now, it was a pretty obnoxious response. She stormed out of the bathroom and my girlfriend and I laughed before hugging, exchanging another kiss and then heading back to class.

Neither of us thought anything of it.

The next day, right before lunch, I was called out of class to the office. I didn’t know it yet, but so had my girlfriend, but to a separate office. We were both being given 4 day suspensions. The girl who walked in on us the previous day had told security about what she saw, and security went to administration.

We weren’t given an opportunity to explain. We weren’t asked what happened.

The reason for our suspension? Inappropriate Display Of Affection.

Before I go any further, I want you to pause for a second and think back to your high school days. How around every corner in every hall, in between every class period, there were students making out and pressing up against each other and sitting on each others laps out in the open for anyone and everyone to see.

How many of those students received suspensions for inappropriate displays of affection?

Why was that not considered such, but me kissing my girlfriend in a bathroom to AVOID being seen doing so in public was?

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with any of that. Teenagers are gonna do what they’re gonna do. Everyone is experimenting and discovering themselves and hormones are all over the place and everyone’s just trying to figure shit out.

What I AM saying is that there’s a deep problem when anyone other than straight students caught making out in the halls are seen in a negative enough light to be constantly told to separate, “no PDA,” or even warrant a suspension.

What I am also saying is that what happened to my girlfriend and I happened nearly a decade ago. This year will make 10 years since I graduated and this is STILL an issue.

And it’s even more sad that I’m not surprised.

Why did we need to go to such lengths just to share a kiss? To have to coordinate what time we’d both ask, what bathroom we’d meet at in which hallway?

It’s because it was the only way we felt safe enough.

Back to the story - I want to make something clear here, specifically in reference to the bill AND the now-withdrawn amendment.

Neither my girlfriend or myself were informed that our parents had already been called and the “situation” explained to them. I learned when I got home and was asked why I was having sex in a school bathroom - which should already raise a red flag for ya about the way everything was handled.

Thankfully I had come out to my family months before this.

On the other hand, my girlfriend was NOT out yet. She wasn’t in a place where she felt safe to do so because of remarks and conversations with her family. She knew that it could put her in a potentially dangerous position if she did.

And she was right.

The moment the school called her family, they outed her, whether realizing or not, and THAT put her in an unnecessarily painful position.

If this bill passes, there will be MANY more situations like this, and worse.

I think it’s important for me to add here that I went to a comparatively accepting school. We had a program in place for LGBTQ+ students to attend every week that allowed for us to feel safe and included. I had some incredible teachers who I still remain in contact with who offered support and understanding where I felt was missing. I hope you’re reading this. We had pretty amazing guidance counselors available to talk to, one who literally saved my life. (Thank you Ms. Fletcher)

However, even with that acknowledgement, it still wasn’t enough. It ISN’T enough.

This bill is a ridiculous and unnecessary step back for not just Florida, but the other states considering adopting the bill as well. The fact that it was proposed in the first place is an immense problem.

My heart hurts for these students. And I don’t feel like I need to explain further why this proposed bill is extremely harmful to ALL youth.

What I do want to add is that as coaches in the athletic space, we have a responsibility to our students to make sure they understand they can trust and confide in us.

If a student is struggling or coming to terms with their sexuality or gender identity and they don’t feel safe to be themselves at home and they have no one they can confide in at their school, then WHERE are they getting support from??

If you’re a coach and can offer your students an HOUR they can trust they can be themselves and not be judged or put in a position where they feel unsafe - please recognize that for some youth, that may be one of the only hours in a day where they feel supported.

If you think that’s a dramatic statement, I challenge you to reach out to those you know who are a part of the LGBTQ+ community and ask them how they feel about this bill.

Unless you suspect a student is in danger and can’t continue to withhold information, you have a responsibility to remain a confidant to your students while they are in your care - if they feel comfortable enough to confide in you.

As a coach or mentor in the athletic space, you are, in a way, a teacher. And if you’re not disturbed by this bill and what it proposes, then you need to ask yourself some serious questions about why.

Because if a bill were passed that would prohibit coaches from providing support for LGBTQ+ students, or if it were to require coaches to inform parents if they learn that a student is anything other than straight, I know for DAMN SURE that I would lose my job.

BILL RESOURCES